It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
