I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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