I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
