I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Too much gin, very little bucket
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
