Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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