I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
