It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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