i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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