I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
