dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
