I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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