Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
