Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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