Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
