tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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