Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
