so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
