I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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