Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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