ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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