Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
