my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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