Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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