naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
did i walk over a car last night?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
