i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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