I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
