I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
