Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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