I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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