i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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