I can't breathe out the right side of my face
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
