A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
