Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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