Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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