i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The beer is more important than you right now.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
