Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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