I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
