I wish you could order shots online.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
