I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I will be naked everywhere
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
