whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
