I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
