dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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