remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
