Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
