Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
