I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
