May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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