wrigley field is MILF paradise
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
