Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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