You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
