Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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