She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
