I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
