She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
