yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
